A funeral service fills several important needs in today’s society. First, it provides for the respectful care of the deceased, by celebrating the life of a unique individual.

Secondly, the funeral service helps survivors face the reality of death – the first big step in overcoming grief. It brings together relatives and friends who can lend support and consolation when they’re needed most. Seeing how much others care can be a tremendous help to a family in adjusting to their loss.

GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR THE GUEST:


Expressing sympathy: Use a sympathetic voice keeping it simple and brief. “I’m sorry,” or “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss,” are the most commonly used expressions.  If you knew the deceased well enough you could say the person’s name, “He will be missed,” or “She was a good friend.” If a family member wants to talk about the deceased, listen. Being a good listener instead of a talker may do the family member good. You are encouraged to talk about memories of the deceased. The family may learn something they didn’t know before! Joyful stories can make the grief easier to bear.

When attending the visitation do not stay for a long time unless the family has asked you to or you are a good friend and it helps you through your grief process. Co-workers may attend together but do not overwhelm the family at the same time. If you see people you know and want to speak to them, move out of the visitation rooms and hallways so other people can speak to the family. The best place to go may be the funeral home chapel, if not in use, or outside. Remember there may be other visitations at the same time, and if you stay an extended period of time it ties up parking and special times for others. If you bring young children to the visitation it is your responsibility to care for them and not let them run wild to disrupt the family’s time of grieving with friends. 

If you are able to assist with childcare, food, picking up out-of-town guests, helping with elderly family members, transportation or running errands, this will do much to make this trying time much easier on the family and will be long remembered and appreciated.

DRESS:

        
Subdued colors are appropriate for funerals. It is becoming more acceptable to wear bright colors, but etiquette requires modesty and somberness. Try to keep your dress simple but not too casual. If you choose black you will never go wrong. Out of respect for the family do not wear tight or revealing clothing. Remember this is about the deceased and their family, not you. Do not dress like you are going to a sporting event or a night on the town.

VIEWING THE BODY :


You are welcome to view the deceased if the casket is opened. Don’t be afraid to ask a family member or a funeral home assistant to escort you to the casket, a few moments of silence is always appreciated.

SENDING FLOWERS OR OTHER GIFTS:


After learning of a person’s death do not send anything until the funeral home has made full arrangements. Call the funeral home or wait for the obituary to be published, some families do not want flowers, but prefer memorials. Do not send oversized sprays or baskets because they sometimes get damaged during transportation to the cemetery and are too heavy to carry. Plants or trees should be delivered to the deceased’s home for the same reason, so the family doesn’t have the cumbersome task of getting them home.  Remember just because you like flowers doesn’t mean every one else does.

GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR THE BEREAVED FAMILY:

“DISCUSSING WHAT HAPPENED?”

Regardless of the cause of death you should be prepared to answer this question. You do not need to elaborate, say what you feel most comfortable with, but be honest. If the death is suicide or an illness such as AIDS you may say, “I’m not sure,” or “We’re waiting on the pathology report.” Some people may be making conversation, others may just be nosey.

During the visitation greet callers with kindness and express your appreciation at their attendance. If someone attends that you do not care for, be polite. If you feel an altercation may arise ask a family member or funeral director to escort them out, your attitude will do much to keep disruptions from happening. The visitation or funeral service is not a place to air grievances or foster rudeness.

You will see people you have not seen in years, so ask them to make sure they have signed the guestbook. They may like to leave a phone number or even their address in the book, so you can contact them later. This will help both of you in dealing with the effects of the death.

THANK YOU NOTES:


Thank you notes should be sent to anyone who sent a memorial contribution, flowers, brought food or acknowledged the death. Some may include a personal letter; others may be a simple thank you card. Clergy, musicians and pallbearers should receive personal, individual thank you notes from the family. It is not necessary to send thank you cards to friends or visitors who stopped by the house or funeral home during visitation. You may want to thank some people in person for whatever they did during your time of grief; you may use your own judgment to decide.